let sleeping bears alone

“Damn it Janet”

MTV readies ‘Rocky Horror’ redux

My god….Is nothing sacred anymore? Will these barbarians who brought us such travesties as “real world vs. road rules” stop at nothing?  I am will to bet if some pitched them the idea of digging up your dead relatives and parading them around town in the latest haute couture (because let’s face it skeleton skinny models are so hip) they would jump at the chance.

PDAs and needing a hose

Now I am all for PDAs.  No not personal digital assistants although they are cool, I have a blackberry curve which rawks.  I am talking about public displays of affection.  kissing hugging loving on one another are all ok.  But there reaches a point where you either need to stop it or get a room.

Case in point: I was at my oldest Orchestra camp for her final performance.  They sounded great.  Unfortunately the whole family was there and we took up an entire row of seats plus one.  So i sat in the next row down against the wall.  BAD CHOICE!! very bad choice.  I wound up sitting behind a couple of people that were firm believers in PDA.  Fine all well and good.  But they crossed the line and kept crossing it and kept crossing it.

You know there is a point to feeling like a voyeur and then just having had enough because you are trying to concentrate on your daughters performance.  It was titillating at all.  In fact it was distracting and annoying.

Afterwards I told my wife I felt like getting a hose and hosing them down like a couple of dogs in the yard.  She said “Why didn’t you say something?”  Right… why didn’t i think of that.  Something like (in my creepiest voice possible) “Need a third?”  or “HEHEHEHEHEEHE you sure are purty….” or “kan I takes y’alls pitcher?”  or “boy she is shure purty. is she your sister?’

Sigh……of course she just gave me that “look” and kept driving.

bumper sticker

Saw this coming home from Sailsbury this weekend:

“And Everyone Rides For Free”

Whoo hoo!!!!!!!

I think Anthony Bourdain said it first:

“YOUR body might be a temple – mine is an amusement park.”

who would you do…..

Somehow the wife and I got on the topic of what celebrity would you do.  I honestly can’t remember who she said but she seemed genuinely surprised at who my two choices were:

Her:

Zooey Deschanel

and her:

Scarlett Johansson

I know.  Go figure.

derek hess

http://www.strhesspress.com — powerful book by a powerful artist.

http://www.derekhess.com/

must see this movie

Gardasil vaccine

I have 3 daughters.  One is 11 years old and her doctor recommended that she get the Gardasil vaccine, you know the new one that prevents some types of cervical caner.  The trick is tat she has to have it before she becomes, you know, “active”.  Well the wife and I put off this decision.  Its not that we are anti-vaccine its just that we were sure about this one. It was too new and well we just weren’t sure about it.

Well yesterday the wife sends me a link to this article Death toll linked to Gardasil vaccine rises  excuse me?  What death toll?  I didn’t know there was a death toll.  Well my friends there is.  “10 deaths just since September” and 140 reports of “serious” complications.

It looks like our caution has paid off on this vaccine.  I don’t like to be alarmist about things like vaccines because there are risks to everything but these seem to me to unnecessary risks that the governments just don’t seem to care about.  I say this in light of the fact that there are ongoing efforts to make this vaccine mandatory, like measles, chicken pox, and mumps etc,  This is simply another attempt by big government, federal and state, to interfere in our lives.

Therapy

Damn it has been a long week already and it is only Monday.  I am guessing that working over 10 hours every day will cause the weeks to feel long.  I suppose I should feel “grateful” that I have a job and I my wife doesn’t need to work and that my family doesn’t want for much.  I am living the suburban nightmare, dream. 

I don’t think I mentioned it but I am seeing a therapist.  I have had 2 appointments so far.  The first one was the typical “get to know you” appointment.  What do you expect from therapy and background information.  The most recent one was a little more intense and has put me into a funk.

Let me tell you a little story:

there once was a kid, abused by his parents, who never really learned to trust. he didn’t trust people. he didn’t trust anyone. He was constantly looking for the next better thing, hoping to find something better. to quiet the voice in his head that was always saying its not good enough. Until one day a nice lady he was talking to about his problems said “the reason you don’t trust anyone and are looking for something better is…..”
YOU DONT TRUST YOURSELF.

Now why wouldn’t I trust myself?  According to her its because I never learned trust from my parents, well I learned some warped version. and the constant striving where nothing is ever good enough?  Oh that’s easy she said, since I had already told how nothing was ever good enough for my father.  I would bring home a B, “why didn’t you get an A?”  Bring home an A, “why wasn’t it an A+?”  Bring home and A+ and it was “Hmm I see you didn’t get all bonus questions right.”  Bring home a 4.0 on a report card and “You’re in TAG (talented and Gifted) your peers are bringing home 4.2s and 4.3s why aren’t you?”  NOTHING WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.  nothing i did was ever good enough from the way I behaved to the way i did in school to the girls i brought home to the jobs i had.

Look at me now:  I am bipolar.  I have a wife, 3 kids, a house.  I have a job making 120K a year and I am looking for another one. I am constantly trying to do better. I am never satisfied with anything I do…its never good enough… nothing will ever be good enough.  Because you have always been told you are never good enough. Nothing you have ever done has ever been good enough.  So you constantly try to do better.  Somedays it feels like it will never end.  This isn’t a case of trying to be better than your neighbor.  This is trying to be better than yourself and its a battle you will never win.

everything i touch

turns to shit… it doesn’t matter what my intentions are.  I hurt everyone I love.  I have finally figured it out.  I AM THE FLAWED ONE.

I am the one that causes the hurt, the pain,  the sorrow.

even when I try to do the right thing I end up doing the wrong thing.   My dad was right.  I am the world biggest mistake.